Letting it go

Footprints 

One night I dreamed a dream.
As I was walking along the beach with my Lord.
Across the dark sky flashed scenes from my life.
For each scene, I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand,
One belonging to me and one to my Lord.

After the last scene of my life flashed before me,
I looked back at the footprints in the sand.
I noticed that at many times along the path of my life,
especially at the very lowest and saddest times,
there was only one set of footprints.

This really troubled me, so I asked the Lord about it.
"Lord, you said once I decided to follow you,
You'd walk with me all the way.
But I noticed that during the saddest and most troublesome times of my life,
there was only one set of footprints.
I don't understand why, when I needed You the most, You would leave me."

He whispered, "My precious child, I love you and will never leave you
Never, ever, during your trials and testings.
When you saw only one set of footprints,
It was then that I carried you."

It is not my will Father, but Your will. 

Happy Birthday beautiful girl

  Happy birthday Natascha wherever you are.  I wish I knew but I don't.  I never thought that I would see a day that I would be kept from you or celebrating your birthday.  I can't tell you the pain and the hurt that it causes my heart.

  But to see your pictures and see you having fun and smiling then hey what a 19th birthday right so enjoy it.  I wish I could have celebrated it with out but I wasn't given that option.

  So 19 years ago - your dad and I wanted a baby. I told your dad that I was pregnant by putting my positive pregnancy test in the ring box that your dad gave me. My wedding ring.  I thought it was the most exciting day of my life.  We already had your name picked out and everything.

  Your dad was working at Fed-Ex (  I wish he still was ). I had to go to the hospital on my own. Yep. drove there alone. I waited while Donnie Rae at Fed Ex worked with another driver to get your dad home so he could come to the hospital. I don't even remember your dad getting to the hospital. I was so excited to be able to finally see my beautiful girl.  My aunt Lorene and my mom came to see you.  Your dad was so proud of you.  So was I.  You were born just around 7 pm. if I had your birth certificate I could check the time but that is gone too.

  I was so excited that I don't think I slept all night.  I just couldn't wait until it was time to feed you again just to be able to see you and hold you.  You were the most beautiful baby I had ever seen.

  I have seen you as a child I cherished so much being able to be at home full time as your mommy. When you were little we would homeschool by going to Murphy park and feeding the ducks bread. We would spend hours at the library sometimes before or after the park.  Then we would go to McDonalds and have a hamburger and ice cream. That was so much fun for you and me.  We also spent lots of time trying to do play dates ( those were really awesome ) because mommy got time to talk to other mommy and you got time to play with a lot of kids.  We also went to dance classes and you were always in skits at church. Always so very active in things and I loved doing those things with you.

  I loved homeschooling you we had so much fun doing theme units and dressing up. it was fun when we did the history and theme and cooking. I will never forget living on West End St. and doing the cooking for each theme unit.  We dressed the house up with the country that we were studying and the whole downstairs then we would cook the meal from that country on Friday nights for you, your dad and I to share. We had so much fun going to the homeschool groups at the Jones center and it was fun for you to be able to be with other kids and be in the different co op classes. I wish we could have done this more. It wasn't possible as with many things because of the trauma care and Abigiales health.

  I always tried to do fun things for you and your sister for your birthdays.  I suppose they were less than fun for you the older you got.  It was always just me, you , your dad and Abigaile and somehow we ended up celebrating your birthdays together.  I always asked you if that was okay and since you said yes thats what we did. It was more fun for you and I to decorate especially the older you got it was just me who decorated. I always wanted you to have fun on your birthday and to have fun.  The birthday in Conway was a lot of planning but had to be the worse birthday ever.

  I only remember one birthday celebration the year Abigaile was born that we had friends over and Mimi.  No one ever came and it became useless to say anything so I gave up.

 So now this year I am the one who is not there celebrating with you.  I am beyond hurt and I am beyond sad.  There really is no way to describe the hurt.  Im so sorry I couldn't be with you and Abigaile but I wasn't given an option.

  We started celebrating with ladybugs and butterflies ( really your idea) and I thought they were cute. This year I couldn't even buy you a card or a gift because I don't know where you are.

  This years marks your first year really into adult hood and so I hope you follow your dreams. Ive tried to encourage you with your dream of becoming a brain surgeon and then in music because that is what you wanted to do. I hope that you get to follow that dream.  Really it doesn't matter what you do ( just don't listen to others but instead listen to God) He is the one who will make it happen. So follow what is on your heart. God is the one who put it there. Whatever you do - do it well and pray A LOT !

  I don't even know if I will ever get to see you or Abigaile again.  Im thankful to the Lord for allowing me to spend the time with you that I have.

  I love you I will always love you no matter where you are.  I saw by the pictures that your dad sent to me that you were having fun and laughing and enjoy some junk food ( like you always do), and I saw the cards.  I am so glad that you had a happy birthday.

love,
your momma 

Happy Birthday beautiful princess

I wanted to wish my little girl a Happy Birthday.  I know princess that no matter where you are that your mommy loves you and Jesus loves you.

I remember that day September 7, 2003 just as if it were yesterday.

I had just finished painting the floors at the house on West End st and went to bed around midnight.  I went to sleep with your ultrasound and a magazine on my chest.

The outline of your ultrasound is still etched forever in my mind.  I can still see your eyes. They say that your eyes are a window to your soul and all I saw was clear all the way down in your little soul and you weren't even born yet.

I was so excited to be able to meet my princess that I couldn't sleep. I actually think I caused my self from excitement to go into labor.  I woke at about 3 am and just couldn't go back to sleep.  I wanted to see my new little princess so bad.

I eventually woke your dad up and told him I needed to go to the hospital and then we woke your sissy up and told her that we needed to go to the hospital.  We took Natascha to a friends house so she could play and spend the night while you made your way into this world.

You are born around 11 am and from that hour on your little life has been hectic.  I am so thankful that God gave you to me. You have made my life so complete.  I have admired how people have been so mean, haven't been in your life and you still love and show love no matter what.
You have given your mommy Joy in such a unique way that I can't even explain it.

I couldn't wait to see you. I know how excited I was to see Natascha as a baby and you were no less exciting.  You both made a grand entrance.  An emergency c-section is not something to laugh at.  I thought you were the most beautiful baby ever.

Your dad , Natascha and I had so much fun playing pretty , pretty princes waiting for you to come from the nursery.  It was so fun. Even going through the hell at that time we were not shaken.  Your dad sitting with his tiara and ear rings, and adorned like a princess. I wished we would have had enough money to have phones with cameras then so we could have take pictures.

I was so afraid when they told me that you weren't well. The major antibiotics, the tests and knowing you were going home with a bill-light I knew the liver was being over taxed. I just wanted you to be healthy.

Children and our family were more important then that phones.  Ill never forget we went to Sam's club to take a family picture. It was the last one we had taken right after you were born.  Last family photo was Fourteen years ago.  I kept choking and trying to hold back the tears scared to think that it might be your last photo.

 
I love you my beautiful princess and even though I don't know where you are right now your mommy misses so much it hurts and I love you. Your mommy wasn't given an option to be with you on your special day.  I will always love you my little princess. I hope God blesses your day today.

I would die for you,
love your mommy