Happy birthday Natascha wherever you are. I wish I knew but I don't. I never thought that I would see a day that I would be kept from you or celebrating your birthday. I can't tell you the pain and the hurt that it causes my heart.
But to see your pictures and see you having fun and smiling then hey what a 19th birthday right so enjoy it. I wish I could have celebrated it with out but I wasn't given that option.
So 19 years ago - your dad and I wanted a baby. I told your dad that I was pregnant by putting my positive pregnancy test in the ring box that your dad gave me. My wedding ring. I thought it was the most exciting day of my life. We already had your name picked out and everything.
Your dad was working at Fed-Ex ( I wish he still was ). I had to go to the hospital on my own. Yep. drove there alone. I waited while Donnie Rae at Fed Ex worked with another driver to get your dad home so he could come to the hospital. I don't even remember your dad getting to the hospital. I was so excited to be able to finally see my beautiful girl. My aunt Lorene and my mom came to see you. Your dad was so proud of you. So was I. You were born just around 7 pm. if I had your birth certificate I could check the time but that is gone too.
I was so excited that I don't think I slept all night. I just couldn't wait until it was time to feed you again just to be able to see you and hold you. You were the most beautiful baby I had ever seen.
I have seen you as a child I cherished so much being able to be at home full time as your mommy. When you were little we would homeschool by going to Murphy park and feeding the ducks bread. We would spend hours at the library sometimes before or after the park. Then we would go to McDonalds and have a hamburger and ice cream. That was so much fun for you and me. We also spent lots of time trying to do play dates ( those were really awesome ) because mommy got time to talk to other mommy and you got time to play with a lot of kids. We also went to dance classes and you were always in skits at church. Always so very active in things and I loved doing those things with you.
I loved homeschooling you we had so much fun doing theme units and dressing up. it was fun when we did the history and theme and cooking. I will never forget living on West End St. and doing the cooking for each theme unit. We dressed the house up with the country that we were studying and the whole downstairs then we would cook the meal from that country on Friday nights for you, your dad and I to share. We had so much fun going to the homeschool groups at the Jones center and it was fun for you to be able to be with other kids and be in the different co op classes. I wish we could have done this more. It wasn't possible as with many things because of the trauma care and Abigiales health.
I always tried to do fun things for you and your sister for your birthdays. I suppose they were less than fun for you the older you got. It was always just me, you , your dad and Abigaile and somehow we ended up celebrating your birthdays together. I always asked you if that was okay and since you said yes thats what we did. It was more fun for you and I to decorate especially the older you got it was just me who decorated. I always wanted you to have fun on your birthday and to have fun. The birthday in Conway was a lot of planning but had to be the worse birthday ever.
I only remember one birthday celebration the year Abigaile was born that we had friends over and Mimi. No one ever came and it became useless to say anything so I gave up.
So now this year I am the one who is not there celebrating with you. I am beyond hurt and I am beyond sad. There really is no way to describe the hurt. Im so sorry I couldn't be with you and Abigaile but I wasn't given an option.
We started celebrating with ladybugs and butterflies ( really your idea) and I thought they were cute. This year I couldn't even buy you a card or a gift because I don't know where you are.
This years marks your first year really into adult hood and so I hope you follow your dreams. Ive tried to encourage you with your dream of becoming a brain surgeon and then in music because that is what you wanted to do. I hope that you get to follow that dream. Really it doesn't matter what you do ( just don't listen to others but instead listen to God) He is the one who will make it happen. So follow what is on your heart. God is the one who put it there. Whatever you do - do it well and pray A LOT !
I don't even know if I will ever get to see you or Abigaile again. Im thankful to the Lord for allowing me to spend the time with you that I have.
I love you I will always love you no matter where you are. I saw by the pictures that your dad sent to me that you were having fun and laughing and enjoy some junk food ( like you always do), and I saw the cards. I am so glad that you had a happy birthday.
love,
your momma
But to see your pictures and see you having fun and smiling then hey what a 19th birthday right so enjoy it. I wish I could have celebrated it with out but I wasn't given that option.
So 19 years ago - your dad and I wanted a baby. I told your dad that I was pregnant by putting my positive pregnancy test in the ring box that your dad gave me. My wedding ring. I thought it was the most exciting day of my life. We already had your name picked out and everything.
Your dad was working at Fed-Ex ( I wish he still was ). I had to go to the hospital on my own. Yep. drove there alone. I waited while Donnie Rae at Fed Ex worked with another driver to get your dad home so he could come to the hospital. I don't even remember your dad getting to the hospital. I was so excited to be able to finally see my beautiful girl. My aunt Lorene and my mom came to see you. Your dad was so proud of you. So was I. You were born just around 7 pm. if I had your birth certificate I could check the time but that is gone too.
I was so excited that I don't think I slept all night. I just couldn't wait until it was time to feed you again just to be able to see you and hold you. You were the most beautiful baby I had ever seen.
I have seen you as a child I cherished so much being able to be at home full time as your mommy. When you were little we would homeschool by going to Murphy park and feeding the ducks bread. We would spend hours at the library sometimes before or after the park. Then we would go to McDonalds and have a hamburger and ice cream. That was so much fun for you and me. We also spent lots of time trying to do play dates ( those were really awesome ) because mommy got time to talk to other mommy and you got time to play with a lot of kids. We also went to dance classes and you were always in skits at church. Always so very active in things and I loved doing those things with you.
I loved homeschooling you we had so much fun doing theme units and dressing up. it was fun when we did the history and theme and cooking. I will never forget living on West End St. and doing the cooking for each theme unit. We dressed the house up with the country that we were studying and the whole downstairs then we would cook the meal from that country on Friday nights for you, your dad and I to share. We had so much fun going to the homeschool groups at the Jones center and it was fun for you to be able to be with other kids and be in the different co op classes. I wish we could have done this more. It wasn't possible as with many things because of the trauma care and Abigiales health.
I always tried to do fun things for you and your sister for your birthdays. I suppose they were less than fun for you the older you got. It was always just me, you , your dad and Abigaile and somehow we ended up celebrating your birthdays together. I always asked you if that was okay and since you said yes thats what we did. It was more fun for you and I to decorate especially the older you got it was just me who decorated. I always wanted you to have fun on your birthday and to have fun. The birthday in Conway was a lot of planning but had to be the worse birthday ever.
I only remember one birthday celebration the year Abigaile was born that we had friends over and Mimi. No one ever came and it became useless to say anything so I gave up.
So now this year I am the one who is not there celebrating with you. I am beyond hurt and I am beyond sad. There really is no way to describe the hurt. Im so sorry I couldn't be with you and Abigaile but I wasn't given an option.
We started celebrating with ladybugs and butterflies ( really your idea) and I thought they were cute. This year I couldn't even buy you a card or a gift because I don't know where you are.
This years marks your first year really into adult hood and so I hope you follow your dreams. Ive tried to encourage you with your dream of becoming a brain surgeon and then in music because that is what you wanted to do. I hope that you get to follow that dream. Really it doesn't matter what you do ( just don't listen to others but instead listen to God) He is the one who will make it happen. So follow what is on your heart. God is the one who put it there. Whatever you do - do it well and pray A LOT !
I don't even know if I will ever get to see you or Abigaile again. Im thankful to the Lord for allowing me to spend the time with you that I have.
I love you I will always love you no matter where you are. I saw by the pictures that your dad sent to me that you were having fun and laughing and enjoy some junk food ( like you always do), and I saw the cards. I am so glad that you had a happy birthday.
love,
your momma
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